Ways to be intimate after having a baby
There’s no doubt about it: having children affects your relationship. However, that effect doesn’t have to be negative. Studies have shown the state of your relationship with your partner can help shape your child’s later development. That means maintaining a healthy relationship isn’t just good for the two of you—it’s also important for your child.
With this in mind, it’s more than okay for you and your partner to prioritize your needs and your relationship. Having children is a major change and it’s normal to have an adjustment period as you get used to your new normal. But trust and believe, you and your partner can resume and maintain intimacy after having children. You deserve it!
What happens to intimacy after you have children?
Pregnancy and birth are both major physical and hormonal ordeals. It’s typical to experience stress and fatigue during this time period, and to require a recovery period after giving birth. Even if you didn’t give birth, it’s a huge transition (and yes, that can include hormonal changes for you, too).
All things considered, it’s pretty normal to go through a lowered amount or total lack of sexual desire after—and perhaps before—expanding your family. Feelings of guilt and anxiety about less sexual intimacy in your relationship can occur, and it’s normal to want that intimacy back. However, keep in mind that a lack of sexual intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is in a bad place.
Why does sexual intimacy often decrease after kids are born?
One of the biggest changes you and your partner may experience is a shift in priorities. Not only will you need to prioritize a child; you’ll also need to balance these new duties with work, maintaining your household and most importantly, self-care. At the same time, you’ll likely experience more fatigue—and women in particular are prone to higher amounts of exhaustion postpartum.
Researchers have made a direct link between increased fatigue in new mothers and a lack of sexual desire. After having kids, you aren’t just facing the issue of less time for intimacy, but less desire for intimacy. When you don’t desire it, you’re not exactly motivated to make time for it, right?
Men often don’t experience a decrease in sexual desire after childbirth. Women, in contrast, often do. And where do both partners end up when one wants or expects sex to resume as usual and the other can’t find their desire for it? Quite often—frustrated.
Ways to be intimate after having a baby:
Keep in mind—there isn’t a single “right” approach to intimacy after having children. In fact, you and your partner may require a combination of different strategies. Whether you want more sex or less, it’s important to accept your emotions and your partner’s as valid.
Whether you just aren’t interested or feel bad about being too interested, your emotions are valid. And now? You’re addressing the issue together!
Therapy matters. No matter how you and your partner work on improving your intimacy, you need to do so with empathy and open communication. It can be hard to facilitate that, especially when you’re both adjusting to a post-kid lifestyle. That’s where a sex therapist comes in.
Working with a sex therapist not only connects you with new ideas and strategies for intimacy in the new season you are in, it also offers you and your partner an outlet. With a sex therapist, you can both express your feelings and concerns in a safe space.
Additionally, sometimes a major life change like this can magnify issues that may have previously existed in the relationship. Getting support and guidance from a trained professional can help you navigate and overcome communication issues that may be impacting your physical intimacy.
Consider physical changes. Say your level of desire lowered after you had kids. We’ve addressed the more psychological reasons—but there could be physical ones, too. People who’ve given birth may experience scarring, muscle weakness, or other injuries during pregnancy and birth. Fortunately, none of these injuries mean you can’t feel good and experience pleasurable intimacy again.
In addition to guidance and support from a sex therapist, solutions may include seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist to support you in healing physically.
Lifestyle changes can help. Yes, you and your partner may benefit from making certain lifestyle changes, too—both together and as individuals. We know it’s hard when you’re parenting, but it’s important to practice self-care. Self-care may look different especially when you are in the newborn phase but think of it as anything that refreshes you and helps you to feel relaxed. This could be walking outside, napping, reading, showering, or making sure to eat regularly.
Here's the thing: not everyone struggles to find ways to be intimate after having a baby. But if you do, you’re far from alone, and it doesn’t have to stay that way. Whether you want to return to the types or levels of intimacy you had before kids, or to create a new approach to intimacy with your partner, it’s all possible. Focus on not only talking to your partner, but seeking help with them. Beginning a conversation—especially with the assistance of a sex therapist—is a great way to start.
Citations:
Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2702669/
Kindt, M. (2020). Sexual Intimacy After the Transition to Parenthood: Using Emotionally Focused Therapy. Intuition: The BYU Undergraduate Journal of Psychology, 15(2), 1-16. https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1591&context=intuition
Delgado-Perez, E., Rodriguez-Costa, I., Vergara-Perez, F., Blanco-Morales, M., & Torres-Lacomba, M. (2022). Recovering Sexuality after Childbirth. What Strategies Do Women Adopt? A Qualitative Study. Into. J. Environ. Res. Public Health, 19(2), 950. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8775547/
