Having sex after an affair: Intimacy after Infidelity
An affair can be devastating to a partnership, affecting not only trust and emotional intimacy, but physical intimacy as well. However, infidelity does not necessarily spell the end of a relationship for everyone. If you have decided to reconcile following an affair—whether you cheated or were cheated on—you have to first acknowledge that it involves work. While some partners find that work more straightforward than others, there will be moments of doubt and difficulty. But if you really want to revitalize your relationship following an affair, it can be done. Having sex after an affair looks different for everyone, so remember to be patient.
An affair is a betrayal, and no matter how intimate the relationship with the affair partner was, it’s often difficult to return to intimacy. The partner that had the affair may be hindered by guilt and self-judgment, while the other partner may struggle with trust and vulnerability. We often understandably focus on the emotional aftereffects of an affair, but the physical aspects matter too. Fortunately, you have resources available, as well as strategies you and your partner can implement to not only cope, but progress.
Having Sex After an Affair:
Remember: It Takes Time
Usually, recovering intimacy and having sex after an affair takes time. It’s important for couples to process their emotions individually and together. This doesn’t happen automatically. It’s not at all uncommon for couples that ultimately reconcile to experiment with a trial separation. While this may be intimidating at first, it can be crucial for recovery and reconciliation. Both of you have feelings you need to work through, and it’s often hard to work through those feelings when in the same physical space. You can come back from a separation gradually, beginning with small meet-ups before progressing to deeper discussions and perhaps dates.
However, you can’t rush physical intimacy if you’re not yet ready. While every relationship has a different timeline for a full reconciliation—some couples don’t need as much time for others—both of you need to be on the same page. That means being communicative and fully ready to explore intimacy again. Though you can reach a level of intimacy similar or the same to what your relationship offered before, it will most likely require patience.
Everyone Reacts Differently
There isn’t a single way that everyone reacts to an affair emotionally. This applies to your sex life, too. Four common ways in which people react to infidelity (applying both to people who have been unfaithful and people reacting to their partner’s infidelity) include:
Decreased sexual activity. This is how society often “expects” couples to react to an affair. Sexual activity decreases or couples become totally abstinent, the broken trust effectively breaking the sexual relationship.
Increased sexual activity. In this case, the couple begins engaging in more sexual activity, sometimes to the point of what could be termed hypersexuality. While more sex may seem like a good thing on a surface level--and isn’t inherently bad for every couple—it can also be symptomatic of distraction or overcompensation. One or both partners may feel pressured to have sex as a way to “fix” the relationship, which can ultimately be a negative or even traumatic experience.
Sexual dysfunction. Here, you may react to infidelity on a physical level. This manifests in an inability to experience arousal, a lack of response to stimulation where there would typically be one, and more. In fact, sexual dysfunction can be experienced even when the individual believes they have “moved on” and processed the event.
Shifts in sexual behavior or expression. Obviously, sexual behavior is highly individualized. A couple that had previously strict roles in the bedroom may change those roles. Someone who previously was very comfortable with expressing their sexuality may become uncomfortable, or vice versa. While we all experience shifts, as well as “peaks and valleys”, this reactive shift may be more dramatic or out of character.
Many Factors Affect Reconciliation
For some relationships, reconciling after an affair may be a decision based largely on the emotions of the couple itself. For others, aspects like religion and upbringing may matter just as much, along with personal and practical implications—like sharing children and finances. Staying in a relationship after an affair is not a straight line, and you may have many valid reasons for choosing to do so. These reasons do affect a return to intimacy.
This is why it’s so beneficial to work with a therapist, both as a couple and as individuals. So much of returning to intimacy after an affair is about communication—but it can be hard to communicate healthily once trust has been broken. Your therapist can guide you as you begin working towards communication again, offering healthy tools and individualized advice.
Additionally, as you and your partner begin to really address physical intimacy specifically, it may be a good idea to work with a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you address issues occurring both before and after your affair, which can provoke a lot of emotions. Furthermore, your therapist can act as a safe space for both of you—intimacy following an affair is often an uncomfortable topic, and your therapist facilitates healthy strategies. When you and your partner decide to return to physical intimacy, a sex therapist in particular can offer personalized tips, as well as feedback. With a sex therapist, you can work through, among other things:
Betrayal trauma
Reactive bonding and overcompensation
Processing and understanding the behavior
Implementing routine and communication changes
The ups and downs of sex following an affair
It’s important to note that your therapist is not there to judge you or to take sides. Rather, your therapist acts as an impartial party. This can be quite crucial—as, understandably, it can be difficult for your loved ones to avoid judgement and offer neutral advice. While you should be able to lean on your inner circle, a therapist can give you tools and strategies that, in the long term, will help you achieve a better relationship.
Your Relationship After an Affair
There are no guarantees on what intimacy with your partner will look like after an affair, and the recovery of your relationship may be a long-term process. It’s possible that your sex life may look different after you rebuild intimacy. It’s not uncommon for couples to change their sexual dynamics after an affair.
It's entirely impossible that your intimacy and sex life may improve following an affair. This can be accomplished through open communication, honesty, and time, as well as strategies and guidance from a therapist. An affair doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. It may be the beginning of a new, different version of your relationship. A healthier, happy, more intimate version. There is never any certainty about where your partnership may go, with or without an affair. But you can, if you both want to, potentially find a new path forward.
Sources
Chan, S.H., Rokach, A. (2023). Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. Int J Environ Res Public Health, 20(5), 3904. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10002055/
Josephs, L., Hall, K.S.K., Binik, Y.M. (2020). Restoring Trust and Sexual Intimacy after Infidelities. Principles and Practices of Sex Therapy. https://scholarlyworks.adelphi.edu/esploro/outputs/bookChapter/Restoring-Trust-and-Sexual-Intimacy-after/991004241469606266
Timm, T.M. (2022). The effects of infidelity on the sexual relationship. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2023.2283504
